If you're looking for a job or just like to peruse the job boards from time to time, you're bound to notice that many posts have a common language. We see it all the time, but what does it really mean? I think I know and will be happy to translate for you!
I should state that this is just a humorous post (well I think it is) and not meant to be taken seriously at all. I'm trying to work through a case of writer's block, so some silliness might be what it takes.
Anyway, shall we?
Seeking a motivated self-starter
We have no plans to train you.
Must be able to multitask
We'll expect you to do 15 things at once.
Must be flexible
Kiss your work/life balance goodbye if you take a job here.
Alternate: We like to spring things on you out of nowhere at the last minute and expect you to immediately adapt.
Family-oriented company
The executives' relatives will be considered for promotion long before you.
Must be able to work independently
You'll get no guidance whatsoever.
Fast-paced environment
You'll be dealing with one shit storm after another on a regular basis.
Alternate: You're going to be busier than a hooker during Fleet Week, because every task will be an emergency in the eyes of the person who gave it to you.
Must be able to pass a background check
We want to find out what you make at your current job and match it instead of meeting the higher amount you stated in your salary requirements.
Must have a sense of humor
If you don't laugh about it, you'll never stop crying.
Make $5000 a week doing part time data entry from home!
If you believe that load of crap, you deserve to get scammed by us.
Send resume and salary requirements to...
Send resume to a generic email address so it can be scanned by a software program before any human eye ever sees it and automatically rejected because it doesn't contain the right keywords. Salary requirements higher than what we're willing to pay just make the HRbot's job that much easier.
Someone will contact you
LOL, no we won't.
But let's say you apply and are awarded with the rarest of unicorns: an interview! There are certain things said that, if you know what to listen for, make it clear that you'll soon be getting that letter in the mail that starts off with "Your qualifications are superb, unfortunately..."
We have internal candidates to consider
The person we promoted is already doing the job, and we're only interviewing people off the street to satisfy some bullcrap HR policy.
We have one more person to interview
A senior executive informed us this morning that her nephew just graduated from college five minutes ago and "suggested" that we give him this job.
You seem overqualified for this position
You look like you're over 40.
Alternate: You carefully researched salaries for the position and came up with a fair number that we're not willing to pay, so we're going to hire some naive kid who will work for peanuts because she doesn't know any better.
We'll be in touch
LOL, no we won't.
To keep it fair, it's not just potential employers who whip out the doublespeak. You see and hear plenty of it on resumes and in interviews as well. Admit it, you've said some of these things.
I'm a fast learner
I have no experience whatsoever in this field.
I have excellent oral and written communication skills
I can complete a sentence without inserting 25 extraneous "likes" and "ums" and don't compose work emails in chatspeak. Sometimes.
I have excellent interpersonal skills
Which I will demonstrate by spending the majority of the day socializing.
I value the importance of a work/life balance
I'll leave at noon every time my kid sneezes and will snatch up all the best vacation days before anyone else can.
My current job is no longer a good fit for me.
I'm thisclose to getting fired and need to get while the gettin's good.
I'll give you 110%
LOL, no I won't.
So there you have it. Hopefully it will make the job search and interview process go a little more smoothly now that you can speak the language.
Before anyone gets mad, this was just an attempt at humor and not meant to be taken seriously.
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