Not All Suffering Is Inevitable

Someone who lived a long time ago and was a lot smarter than me said that suffering is inevitable. Loss is inevitable. If we live long enough we will lose our loved ones, our youth and our vitality, and eventually we will die. We will experience illness and injury, either our own or someone else's. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when.

Sounds pretty grim, doesn't it? It is. But the thing about an inevitable event is that there's no point in doing anything other than accepting it will happen, preparing for it and dealing with it when the time comes. It's what you do in the time leading up to it that matters.

But there is so much suffering in our lives that we can prevent. We just need to change the way we think about things we've been taught all our lives and decide what's really important. We need to process the messages we receive daily in a different, more productive way.

I don't know what will work for you, because I don't know you. There's no one size fits all solution for everyone. But these are the things I'm trying and telling myself, so maybe you'll find something in here that's useful.




Money Will Not Make Me Happy

Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to discard all of my possessions and go live in a yurt made of lentils. But the phrase "money doesn't buy happiness" isn't just an empty platitude. When you really examine it, it makes a lot of sense.

Money isn't evil by any stretch, and that's not the point I'm trying to make. Money is a necessity. It buys comfort, safety and security. If you have enough to sock away for retirement, that's one less thing to worry about. If you have a little left over at the end of the day to take a nice vacation or go out to dinner, even better.

But how much do we really need? And if we were to have that amount handed to us, would all of our other problems go away? No, they wouldn't, because not all problems can be solved with tools that can be purchased.

The drive for money can actually make things worse. I currently work a job that I don't care for because the money is good. Sure, that money pays for rent, bills and food-things I require-but could I live well on less? I probably could. Yet I endure an unpleasant environment because I'm reluctant to take the chance. Even at this early stage I see how much suffering could be avoided if I would finally place a high pay check near the bottom of the list of things I look for in a job.

So if I were to win the Powerball I certainly wouldn't turn it down, but I'm not going to pretend that all my problems will go away if I'm rich. Only the ones caused by having little money.

Being Skinny Will Not Make Me Happy

This isn't to say that losing some weight won't make me healthier or give me more energy. I've lost around 30 pounds so far and I definitely feel and see the difference. I've stalled out, but once I get back on the horse, I'm sure I can lose the rest.

But this isn't about losing weight or becoming more healthy/less fat, it's about being skinny. Skinny, skinny, skinny. The messages we receive about eating healthy and exercising are less often about actual wellness than they are about being shamed for our bodies if they're over a certain size. That mindset causes avoidable suffering.

Not everyone was meant to be skinny. And by "skinny", I mean the kind of rail-thinness that simply can't be achieved safely and without misery by someone who doesn't have that body type naturally but that everyone is expected to do anyway.

It's not just Hollywood that sends this message. You see news articles all the time about how thin people are more likely to get jobs than fat people. That they're more likely to make more money. That they have better sex. That in a study (sponsored by Jenny Craig), babies who were shown pictures of thin people displayed elevated moods while babies shown pictures of fat people started bleeding from the eyes.

I made up that last one, but I think you get the idea. I think we can all suffer less if we press the mute button the next time a commercial comes on with a pin thin model looking disdainfully at her body in the mirror while the narrator tells you how to lose six pounds by Sunday. Or if we stopped reading the comments on gossip sites where a model or starlet is savaged for wearing a bikini that shows off a slight food baby or a genuinely big celebrity is concern trolled within an inch of her life.

If we focused our attention on our bodies and not the expectations others have for them and what we're potentially losing out on if their judgment is negative, life would be a lot easier.


Being in a Relationship Will Not Make Me Happy

Maybe that should say "being in a relationship just to be in a relationship won't make me happy," because a partnership with someone I love and respect can only be a good thing. Those don't grow on trees, though.

I was a perpetual singleton until I was about 25. A combination of social awkwardness, odd fashion choices and just not being much to look at made sure that I couldn't get a man on Death Row if I had a briefcase full of pardons. I was the exception to the "rule" that women only have to walk out the door and they're inundated by offers from guys. I hated that, because everyone else I knew was coupled up and seemingly happy. I was left out of that, so for the longest time I wanted nothing more than to have a boyfriend.

I got my wish, but was I happy? At first, sure, but by the end, my self-esteem and my faith in love were in shreds, because I was with the wrong person. And on some level I knew it, but I held on because I was afraid that if it ended I'd never find anyone else.

Well, I didn't find anyone else, and it has been years. But you know what? I think I'm okay with that. I haven't met anyone who really knocked my socks off, and I'm not going to settle for someone just to avoid being alone. That's not fair to me and it wouldn't be fair to any potential partner I'd be keeping from someone who could truly appreciate him.

So why suffer in a situation that is supposed to make me happy? There's no good reason for that.

There are plenty more, but I can't think of them right now. The point is that what we have been taught are essential components of happiness-being rich, being sexy, being adored by the right people-aren't necessarily what works for us. We need to find out what makes us happy as individuals.

That's easier said than done, but it's achievable. It takes a lot of thinking about ourselves, and that's not so easy, because we've been told that thinking about ourselves is selfish and wrong. It isn't. We need to focus on improving ourselves before we can properly help others.